04/01/2009

1st Abbott

Greetings Brothers, fullsome thanks to brother Nick who carried the office of Abbott with dignity and grace.

Please note the following for the year 2009:

The proposal determining the number of rides required per annum has been ratified, in order to retain full voting rights at this years awards each monk is required to undertake 24 rides per year.

A monks "year" is the period from 1/1/09 to, and including the day of, the Orders 2009 awards ceremony (a date in December yet to be determined); a ride is constituted by " two or more monks riding together for a period in excess of one hour", furthermore brief (or otherwise Brother Nick) details of the ride must be sent to brother Simon for inclusion on the official web site by the end of the month in which the ride was undertaken.

Brother Simon in his role as "web site and communication coordinator" will maintain a tally of rides undertaken and post the updated total for each monk.

Any queries or objections must be directed to the Abbott who will carefully consider all representations.

I am pleased to report that Brother Rich has accepted the honourable post of "events and rides administrator" and as such will circulate proposed rides near to the beginning of each month as his other responsibilities allow.

It remains for me to wish you all smooth trails and well oiled sprockets,

The Abbott has spoken,

Long live the Monks.

As Ben Franklin said: 'In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria'.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would
have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk shit, than to drink water and be full of shit.

The song remains the same (so why aren't you all singing?)

Brothers,

I refer, indubitably, to the excessive and disproportionate interest and rumour surrounding (the lack of) this intercourse. I am, understandably, still gladdened by the impact that this wise and transcendent transmition has on the brethren, and it is only befitting that a leader leads.

This, I feel, has been proven by the emergence of a recent communication from within the brethren. There is a message out there if only you'd choose to listen. It may be that there is an emergence of a new world order, no bad thing with the planning of the next Xmas bash being brought to the table for discussion! To spell it out, you do not need to wait to be told to do something, but if you choose not to do what needs to be done then cometh the judgment day one must not expect to be carried by the others.

There is a price to pay if you wanna come out and play, some I understand have plenty of other commitments preventing them from being able to worship as regularly as they'd like on a Sunday morning. However for the good of the order, I beseech you all to emerge from your cloisters at every available opportunity (once a week at least)and train for the occasions when you can get out. Who knows what might be on the cards in the future from a spur of the moment trip to a well planned epic there is no better time than now to start preparing. So if you've got a bike........... what's your excuse?    

I remain, your loved and trusted, 1st Abbott (I still can't believe it's not all over yet!!)

Brother Nick

02/04/2008

Brothers,
Just let me get one thing clear from the outset, I don't do requests, never have, never will, and this rule has on the whole stood me in good stead (that's subject to large donations of untraceable sums of money, mp3 players, cigars and the occasional unwanted porno mag, I'm also rather partial to a good single malt as well. So far only three of the above mentioned have occurred, take note Brothers who wish to go far in this order there is still room for your improvement). The reason I feel the need to make this clear is that the appearance of this (massive) 'missive', or (epic) 'epistle' if you like, has nothing to do with the persistent recent pestering by a number of Brothers for a new edition of the aforementioned 'thingy' to appear, spring-like spreading 'the' message like shards of sunlight emerging from the darkness, lighting your way, unifying the wayward, strengthening the weak and proving beyond all doubt that there is no truth in the rumour that the source of the sermon had run dry. To those then, the wait is over, I hope this satisfies. 
Unpicking the source of this unfounded rumour then I feel that the desire to hear from ones leader is an understandable one and is obviously linked into our constant struggle with overwhelming pressure to submit to our desires. As we all know, true happiness can only be achieved when we have learned to keep such urges in check. Some orders would have us believe that this is wholly spiritual affair, others that it's what you own that counts. In other words is it merely the thought that you can ride like a biking God that makes the difference rather than the fact that you actually own and ride Gods bike?
Whilst on the subject of cult leaders (or should that be leaders of cults? Me that is, not God) a warm thanks to Brother Dickie for organising the Cove test day on the 28th, I was never aware that such little work was being undertaken by so many of the brotherhood on one given day!
Why do we get out there and ride? Is it that we're constantly in pursuit of happiness? Lets consider Cove's propensity to use names for their range of bikes that are strongly associated with a sexual undertone (G-Spot, Hand Job, Hummer, Stiffee etc, etc) got me thinking about our pursuit and that which gives us pleasure. Maybe they're unfairly stereotyping us males as we're constantly being told that we're always supposed to be thinking of little else other than sex. So it, therefore, in my book draws a neat parallel between sex and cycling. I've no problem with such a comparison as I'm happy to agree that they are both main sources of pleasure in my life and will hopefully remain so for a considerable while longer (just keep eating the blue smarties). One needs to be sure, however, that the context of conversations concerning such bikes always remains crystal clear right from the out set. It might, one could assume, lead to much embarrassment should ones mother discover via the local gossip circulating in the village post office that when Rich gave you his Hand Job was the sweetest that you'd ever had or that being in control of Nicks g-spot had given you great pleasure (it gave me pleasure to hear that too, Jon) or that you were looking forward to seeing Mark's Stiffee (I'm sure that was the rumour circulating after the late night video showing after the Monks Xmas bash(the bishop!)?). It occurred to me then that after this is past Sunday morning ride, upon noticing that I had lost a rebound adjuster from my fork, that to approach the majority of single males one often sees 'passing the time' at Puddletown and state that you were "looking for a little knob" might do wonders for their pursuit of pleasure if not entirely have the same effect on you! It might also follow then that it is indeed already too late to protest ones innocence on this count as it is no secret that you currently regularly meet up with a group of like minded males at Puddletown Forrest for some dirty off-road action. Here's a thought for you, would there be to great a conflict of interest then should we also be inclined to seek out a love that dare not speak its name as well as being an off road cyclist or would Puddletown Forrest merely move closer to that elusive yet no less frantically sought after nirvana? In the opinion of the guys at Cove (re - their bike names) that's probably a yes then. If they did also swing 'that' way might they not be tempted to rename Puddletown more along the lines of, not so much brokeback mountain, but more, broke(collar)bone bulge? 
Whilst you ponder this, it occurred to me that isn't the pursuit of 'wanting it all' what we're always constantly searching for, and that in cycling terms if we're to believe the bike manufacturers then they've got just the answer to our quest? It should be easy then shouldn't it? And would it not follow, therefore, that if this is the case then how come we're not all completely satisfied all of the time and all riding the same make and model of bike (they'd surely only need to make one model then, wouldn't they?)? Could it be then that we're searching for a state of happiness that only exists in a bike marketing mans dream, wet or otherwise? And given that, I feel, it has to be a uniquely different search to each and every one of us, why then do we entertain the thought that there should be one solution (one bike) that can satisfy all our needs? If I cast my mind back to the infancy of mountain biking, then the influence of the large companies who's involvement up until then was predominantly with road bikes heavily influenced the scene, and that over time and with the emergence of the true off-road enthusiast, turned bike manufacturer, the opposite of this, bikes made by bikers for bikers, is now where it's at. The point is that our values shift and that has now lead to the whole mountain biking genre becoming more and more diverse. Of course there are still those x/c weight weenies out there more concerned with the calorie than the big hit capacity, but they exist along side those who lust after a longer this, tighter that and a stiffer the other (how many inches you pack still matters to some! I'm beginning to see that Cove were definitely on to something with this sex/cycling mix). Vive le difference.
One needs to ask then does the cycling industry have the answer to our quest any more now than they've ever had? If they haven't (even if they're constantly telling us that they have) then is that a bad thing? If a sport stands still it stagnates, other stuff will pass it by, and as in life, if  it ain't sexy any more then know one wants to go there and it'll eventually die out. We'll (off-road cyclists) become even more of an oddity (Oh yes, more than those former holders of this post) a bit like when you were a kid and you called round for your best mate and his dad still proudly sported a magnificent teddy boy quiff even though by then it was well into the 1970's. In the same way, perhaps, that if we start to find the trails we ride too easy then they become a tad boring. We can and must never loose that sense of nervousness or lack of total confidence that occurs just before attempting something that little bit outside our own personal comfort zone. For it's that feeling that keeps mountain biking alive, a truly creative experience. Therefore to deny oneself this experience would be to stifle ones creativity and would surely be akin to selling your sole to the nanny state. In much the same way that, as I'm led to believe from those brethren of the married persuasion, after a certain length of time spent doing the same old thing one finds it necessary to try and include some 'variation' in order to stimulate growth (I'll have you know I got that tip from a body building magazine and, therefore, completely refute any suggestion that I've ever needed to resort to such a tactic to effect the required desired effect with any member of the opposite sex). 
It is wholly appropriate then that with nature just about to spring into full-on renewal mode that we should do likewise. I am suitably gladdened to see one or two (possibly three, any advance on three....?) new additions to the fleet of brothers steeds. None of which were as a result of the Cove test day, again no bad thing in my book.The answer (to the quest of unbridled happiness, keep up!!) might possibly be a lot simpler than we thought, in that, the bike is merely the tool by which we derive our pleasure and not the source it's self. It might follow, therefore, that as individuals our paths to this elusive state of enlightenment are to be many and varied. To cast a net and expect to catch all that swims beneath would be foolhardy, therefore to claim that yours above all others will do just this is, to me at least slightly insulting. I'm aware that upon informing the bike shop that we would not be ordering a brace of Hummers and / or Hustlers the afore said shopkeeper appeared slightly miffed, possibly as a result of the feeling that he might have better used his time doing something else other than 'wasting' it by putting his effort into setting up our hire of these goods (all donations for the pleasure of riding the bikes gratefully received by Brother Rich). I firmly believe that we have here in our order something that cannot/should not be underestimated, a great deal of experience on the subject of bikes. This not inconsiderable body of knowledge should qualify us to arrive at any conclusion we see fit with out fear of redress from any quarter, regardless. Should the bike outlets of this world along with the print media turn a deaf ear to their patrons I'm sorry to say it's time to start being afraid, very afraid. It's not that I am suggesting that this one incident is, however, representative of the industry as a whole but when it comes to testing it should remain just that, a test, this sport is all about personal choice as a former first Abbot most accurately pointed out to me just the other day.
Any way at £1300 for a hardtail frame (Ti) one needs to be sure, very sure, that it's absolutely what you want, a bit like having a tattoo once you've got it you've got it for life. Ours then should not be to focus so much on the hunt (or ownership) for the 'magic' do-it-all pill, the do-it-all bike or the do-it-all trail centre, as that is simply the tool of choice at that particular junction in the journey, it's never the destination or even the one and only path to cycling nirvana. True enlightenment, I believe, is for me, very much more about the journey taken and all those, for better or worse, we meet along the way. Hope to see you all out on the trails soon.
 
I remain, for months and months and months to come your #1 guy,

The rider formerly known as Brother Nick 
  
Breaking news, here's a sneak preview at a recently intercepted email from Cove headquarters regarding possible future bike names;
 
Ball Buster - can think of one or two of you who might think they've married one of those
Pearl Necklace - given its colour, not a bad name for the hardtail Marin Brother Rich was touting for approval on recently
ATM Machine- a complete mind-f*ck, you'd love it but you just can't bring yourself to kiss it
Strap On - so stiff, it makes your eyes water just thinking about it

Many a mountain to climb

16/02/2008

Brothers (and James),

The message that can, and should (must),be taken from this is many layered;

2. Challenge yourself - Don't accept the 'status quo', in personal development terms, the boundaries are limitless

4.  Plan your work and break it down into achievable bite size chunks, it's never too late to start moving in the right direction

So, if like me, your chest currently resembles more the profile of Demi Moore than that of a Demi-God, you know where we are and how to start putting things right. Regular Sunday morning rides would be a start for some......mid-week or twice weekly training sessions a must for others!!

The rider formerly known as,

P.s.Diary date - Sat April 19th 2008, Monks 'mini tour'. Up to Swansea Sat 19th to watch the 'green army' followed by a B&B somewhere local, topped off by a Sunday ride at Afan or similar.

Hail to the healfhearted endorsement

13/01/2008

Brothers,

Rumour abounds that I must have had a quiet xmas, least how else did I find the time to compile and send out my last missive? Well I like to think that I am the sort of chap who can be relied upon to put in the effort when it's needed. It is, in fact, with a great sense of honour (to say nothing of trepidation) that I shoulder the responsibility thrust upon me in this, my role as 1st Abbot.

Far be it for me to admonish those who wrestled with the afore mentioned dispatch but might it not follow that if one doesn't attend the lectures, then how can one be expected to join in the debate?

Could it be that something is rotten in the state of Denmark?

As your appointed one I feel it is only right to point out that the stagnant whiff of lethargy has been allowed to linger all too long in the collective nostrils of what used to, and in my view still should, be a finely honed combative cohort of merry men.

     Fact; The shortest day is as good as one month passed, that's 1/12th of the year (obviously!).

     Fact; There are only 5 months to go before the day's start to get shorter (and only 4.5 months, count 'em, 18 or so weeks before Italian mountains will be looming very, very large).

     Fact; Whatever your goals are this year, be that to make 2008 your best yet, or just to get out on the bike more, the simple answer is it isn't going to happen without a plan of attack.

     Fact; There is no better time than now to start making it happen.

Look at it this way, Christmas is finally over and we're relaxed and rested, mostly as a result of not being able to fight our way out of the door and onto the bike as a result of the wind and rain. But it only takes an extra 500kcal/day (Couple of mince pies or sausage rolls) to add 2kg to your weight over a four week period. Breaking it down further (for the benefit of those who still don't understand what I'm on about);

Christmas dinner

Roast turkey (90g)      = 149kcal, 4g fat

Roast potatoes (85g)   = 127kcal, 4g fat

Stuffing (100g)            = 23kcal, 15g fat

Bread sauce (45g)      = 42kcal, 1g fat

Roast parsnip (90g)    = 102kcal, 6g fat

Boiled carrots            = 14kcal, 0g fat

Sprouts                     = 32kcal, 0g fat

Gravy (50g)                = 17kcal, 1g fat

Cranberry sauce (30g) = 45kcal, 0g fat

Pork sausage (20g)    = 62kcal, 5g fat

Bacon (40g)               = 135kcal, 11g fat

That equates to 1hour 49min 53 sec riding

Desert

Portion Christmas pudding (100g), custard & brandy butter = 587kcal, 22g fat

That equates to 1hour 7min 28sec riding

Snacks

portion of mixed nuts (40g) =243kcal, 22g fat

27min 55sec riding

Cheese & biscuits = 394kcal, 27g fat

45min 17sec

 1 glass of mulled wine = 245kcal, 0g fat

28min 19 sec 

So the total ride time for this (not including your breakfast and one or two extra drinks) days intake is 4 hours 39min 42sec

Currently as a group we're riding once a week for 3 hours, you do the maths......something has to change! 

Ok whilst you digest this and start to turn it around, here are some pointers for those not sure which way to turn

1. Plan targets - get out the diary and refresh your memory of how much work needs to be done in a given time

2. Prioritise - pick one or two key targets, say one early June and one in September. That'll give the calendar some real shape and a specific reason to get out and train.

3. Freshen up - What's done in the couple of weeks before the key targets is vital, too much too hard or too little and you'll be struggling, try to ride less but not less hard.

4. Be specific -  count back a further 6 weeks from the start of your taper (freshen up) these 8 weeks must include specific rides at target intensity, Coed Y B training camp anyone??

5. Eight weeks before that (specific training, oh, is that 16 weeks before the key target, now how many weeks did I say it was 'til Italy?) long hilly rides, fine tune re-fuelling, re-hydrating, get out and ride, ride, ride! This should leave the specific prep (step 4) free for straightforward rides and recovery.

6. Count back - how many weeks lie between now and general prep (step 5), mmmmmm...... for those with a June key target not long then, and try and get a generally fit as possible.

7.Set yourself a timetable - create a weekly timetable, ride this long on this day on this route, to give yourself structure and purpose even if you don't always stick to it. This is your homework for the week, 1st Abbott will do spot checks of all homework at any time of the day or night. Two or more missed checks may well incur a life ban! 

8. Plan to recover - make sure the timetable has at the very least one day when you don't cycle (that's an easy one then!) and every 4 weeks reduce the number of rides and time spent on the bike by 1/3rd.

9. Get a divorce and put your children in the care of your local authority, you know it makes sense.

I'm in the process of trying to locate the dreaded shuttle run test and my bathroom scales will measure your body fat, the only way to see if your progressing forward is to know where you started from. Monks fitness check for all those interested coming soon to a Sunday morning ride near you.

To be continued............

I remain (for at least another 10 months) your # 1 guy,

The rider formerly know as Brother Nick

New world order, or should that be theocracy?

19/01/2008

Happy New Year.

I'm hoping that these few words find you all in the best of health, indeed that they find you at all (if they have then I hope you're sitting comfortably)!! I've been kindly forwarded this list of emails from one of the brethren and they've suggested that you all reply to me confirming that you're happy that I continue to use these e-addresses. Although if you're not getting this message as a result of me not knowing your current e-address then I'm not sure how I'll know, and correspondingly you'll know that I don't know in order to be able to let me know that you don't know (what's going on)!! I'm sure given time word will out and I'll be able to rectify things (those that have replied need not do so again).
Firstly then let me apologise that I've not been in touch sooner, and in case your wondering why I'm in touch at all, then it's because I find myself once more thrust to the top of the pile, someone once said something, I think, about the cream rising to the top. Alternatively, and with the greatest respect to the last recumbent of this illustrious post, the same could be said about hot air (check out the last published, so called, league table and relate those positions to the success of yours truly and the new MOTY (monk of the year) at the annual xmas bash!!
A heartfelt thanks to all that attended and made it a night to remember in more ways than one, I've heard of 'apple pie beds' but for the collective might of the Monks to be focused on trashing a 5 year old boy's bedroom whilst he was away at his grandparents....I leave you to draw your own conclusions. There are communal counselling sessions available every other Saturday afternoon and occasional evenings from August through to May at YTFC, Huish Park, Yeovil. I think you'll find the £20 fee or so good value for the 90 min contact time. It sure feels like penance to me!  
It seems only fitting then to re-cap the current state of affairs, the Monks have now gone global, in fact we're beginning to bear more than a passing resemblance to Eddie Stobbard, how's that you say?.... Well we're international movers. The newly forged links have a decidedly cosmopolitan flavour, not withstanding a strong Thornford connection, so let me be the first to say, in print at least, viva Cuba. There's also more than a strong chance that some Monks will venture over land and sea (via an aeroplane) this summer to shed their blood in Latin climes, so ciao Italy.
More worryingly, however, there remain a select few members, as yet they will not be named and shamed but it won't be much longer, who through their self imposed exile must feel like new members when on the very rare occasions they dane to show their faces, this is not to what I am referring.
It is more the sudden emergence and ordination of those brave men who battled Puddletown in the face of a deluge of rain rarely before the like seen in all our years of riding the venue in order to gain their 'wings'. A huge 'well done lads' to all that were there.
Who'd have guessed, however, that for one this was merely an hors d'oevre that would be quickly followed by a thankfully much drier day tackling the epic that is Hardy's to Portland. So helping to etch their name into Monk legend by stealing in on the blind side and snatching victory in the form of the MOTY award. Relegating the, up until then odds on favourite& elder statesman of the brotherhood Jon, to merely the 'crash of the year' award. An award that, however, was obviously still high on his agenda as what else could explain his unseemly propensity to hurl himself downward and off the bike at every conceivable opportunity?
'Sell out!' I hear you cry, is this the beginning of the end, again I hear? How long will it be before the Monks go the same way as the Premiership? Well I for one welcome the influx of new blood and money (i-pods gratefully received) and await with great interest the hoped debut of some shinny new machinery on the trails soon. Whilst on the subject of machinery I read with interest the editorial of Singletrack magazine this month where 'Chips' (we'll return to nicknames later) was contemplating the satisfaction in wearing out kit rather than it breaking. It got me thinking that this can be the case only as long as one feels it has, whilst fitted to the bike, performed as well as expected. There is indeed great pleasure to be had in a piece of kit (insert Ann Summers joke here), be that just a twisty little widgety thing that's only job is to hold something where it's supposed to be as long as it does it right! How often is the karma of the ride, that Zen moment when bike, kit, trail, weather and rider join forces to aid one as you carve effortlessly through all that comes your way almost as if guided by a higher power? Ably assisted by the sum of all the parts doing there bit to the best of their ability, together. I'd go as far as to say that they can at times take on human qualities, one befriends them as trusted, reliable and dependable. Such that as they start to wear one becomes aware that they need treating with the care and respect as is befitting an ageing, loyal servant (no not just like Brother Jon). "Just one more month/ride/season" and they'll be retired, discarded with a knowing look and slight pang of regret where one wonders if you'll ever see the like of it again only for the bike to rise once more re-born phoenix like or more accurately perhaps, snake like in a new skin. This is not just mountain biking this is M&S Mountain Biking.
May I also take this opportunity to wish all those who are failing in fulfilling their duties and get out there and worship with the rest of us regularly every Sunday morning the curse of Halfords mountain biking. This is where all that is cherished and held holy appears to be lost, never to be re-found, when that twisty little widgety thing doesn't do its job. And it never really worked as well as you thought it would right from the moment it was fitted. When one considers how much it cost, how much was promised, it should have done a better job, lasted longer and not broken without warning when you least expected it miles from the car/cafe/home. You have been warned.
It might be prudent to consider spending as much time preparing the body as one does the bike (Doh!! That doesn't quite follow as I can see by the poor attendance that a lot of you are doing just that!). If you expect to be able to climb mountains then make sure you're putting the effort in sooner rather than later. One will only enjoy the experience if one is working, as mentioned, in harmony with ones surroundings. If you've given up all your energy getting to the top, beware! Mistakes happen far more frequently when one is tired.
On a related theme, I noticed that in the first edition of our newsletter we all had appropriate monikers linked to our names, rumour abounds from an un-named source that Dickey 'the dump' (should that be dump truck!!?) Goddard is no more. It is with great sadness that we remember him and feel sorrow at his passing...........only to see him rise again (if all goes well just in time for Easter) snake like as Dickey 'the dust' Goddard as that, he promises, is apparently all we'll see of him!! Powerful words I think you'll agree and as the only other rider to hit the trails this year backed up in no small part with deeds as well as words. If you fancy making him eat them then you know where we are, so bring it on if you think your hard enough! 

To be continued.............

Remember always keep your (drinks) bladder hose clean! Your number one guy,

'The rider formerly know as' Brother Nick

Ps. Please feel free to send any thoughts, comments or abuse my way for future editions/publications.